i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
