I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
