I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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