I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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