Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
