I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
