He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
