Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
