I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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