I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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