i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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