she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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