I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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