So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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