Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
