The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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