I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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