If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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