Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
