Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
