Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
