Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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