Whats the glycemic index on semen?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
