WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
