Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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