I CAN MOONWALK!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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