I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
