These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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