never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
