Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
