everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
