My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
