New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
