if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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