I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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