I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
