so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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