dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
