I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
His nipple licking is glorious
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