As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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