a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
