I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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