You're my little dorito
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
