i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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