What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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