I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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