i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
