He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
