Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
