Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I want a musical about memes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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