You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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